Midnight Musings!

There must be a very few things in the world worst than having a dichotomy in your head. It’s like a jagged edged sword that keeps nibbling on the inside and gnaws at your soul. But if come to think of it, that’s life and that somewhat is the purpose of our existence. Constantly having to pick sides, to choose, to open one door while looking away from the other. If one has to define life in one word, I think an apt term would be ‘contradiction’. It contradicts itself at every step, every phase, every occasion and in every which way possible. Look around and you’d find yourself dazed by this very contradictory nature of universe or ‘life’ as we call it. Pick one side, open one door while walking away from the other. We do the best we can to fight the dichotomy and make the right choice (the one we think is right for us). That’s probably our way of simmering down that two headed beast within.

The real test is not to make the right choice. The real test is to accept not only the choices made, but the consequences as well. The only way to make it through, from what I have gathered is, making a bunch of choices and spending the rest of your life dealing with the aftermath – good or bad, that’s upto you. A decision is only bad as long as you make yourself believe it. A good decision is good, because you told yourself so.

So in the end, the choice is yours, eventually!

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To The Ends Which Lead To New Beginnings!

The beginnings or the endings aren’t hard. It’s the transition period that’s daunting; exiting one reality to enter another one. The moment in between the departure and the arrival, when you feel like you are at two places simultaneously. That moment when you’re stuck in the limbo. Unaware of what would it take for you to wake up from this stupor? Letting go of what’s almost behind or clutching and grabbing at what’s ahead of you!

But then again, that’s the beauty of the new beginnings and the old endings. You never really let go, completely. You take a piece of the past with you, into the future. That piece but shapes your present and sets a steady path for tomorrow. Had it not been for that finished book, how would you know it’s time to grab a new one and learn some new words. If it weren’t for the words you have already learned, would you be able to absorb the new ones?! The endings aren’t really endings, they are just part of the inception. Twilight is nothing but an omen that what is to be followed is a new dawn. Eventually!

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers’ Award

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I was honored enough to be nominated for the Sisterhood of the world bloggers’ award by lovely Hadia (emphadiate.wordpress.com). Despite the fact that when it comes to social media or blogging, Hadia and I tend to do things together or push each other to always follow one another’s steps, this nomination had me really excited. So thank you soul sister!

I am supposed to answer some questions and then pass on the nomination to the seven other bloggers. I most likely won’t be able to pass on the nomination as I don’t really know those many bloggers over here and the ones I know had already been nominated. So here are my answers. I will try my level best to make them interesting and worth a read.

1. Why did you start blogging?

Although, I have always talked vehemently about my passion for writing, despite my actions proving otherwise, the reason why I started the blog was just to use it as a mean for catharsis. I don’t think I have ever told anyone but after my father’s demise, while I was still struggling to cope with the loss, a colleague who happened to be a psychologist too suggested I should start a blog as writing helps one process things. And I also clearly remember my first blog post was on my father’s first birthday after he passed away i.e. April 14th, 2012. (Makes it easier to remember my blog’s anniversary too!). However, what started as merely an escape route has now turned into one of my most precious possessions and a habit I never want to break free from!

2. Where does the inspiration for your blog posts come from? 

The inspiration mainly comes from anything and everything, at times. As I mentioned above the purpose initially was to vent, and to an extent that still hasn’t changed. Basically anything that upsets me or bothers me is bound to go on my blog. (So much for trying to keep the whining to minimum. LOL!)

3. What does writing mean to you?

To be fairly honest, I feel like in 27 years of my life the only thing I have achieved so far is to learn how to write. I am not so good at it and have a long long way to go but I am at least capable of using writing as a medium. My ability to write is probably the only thing about me that I’m really proud of. So writing is my sense of achievement, my solace and sense of self-actualization. It means the world to me!

4. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Not to sound morbid but I am incapable of thinking too far ahead in future, cause for some reason I doubt I will live that long i.e. 37. Or even if I do (hopefully) I honestly don’t know where would I be. I learned long ago it’s better to set short term goals than plan future at great lengths. My plans are always tentative and there’s always a room for a plan B, C, D… and so on.

5. How do you respond to criticism? 

My first response is always being taken aback or surprised. Having said that, whether I agree with the criticism or not, whether it’s constructive or criticism just for the sake of it, I always at least consider it for a minute.

6. What’s your most ludicrous ambition/desire?

Way too many to count! I want to live on my own, all by myself, all alone. I’d say that’s preposterous enough. I also want to read all the literature in the world which is not only absurd and ludicrous but sounds quite impossible as well.

7. Give the choice, which TV show would you appear on/in? 

I would love to play one of the characters (read Joey or Chandler) on Friends or/and Criminal Minds. I doubt the first one needs any explaining. The second one though; I would just love to play one of those super smart FBI profilers who can tell if a suspect had an abusive childhood or the victim was cheating on his wife by looking at the damndest things such as their handwriting or their socks! How bloody cool is that!!!

8. What would you wear to a red carpet event? 

With my height and built I doubt gown would make me look like a red carpet material. LOL! Probably straight pants with a smart blazer. On the other hand, desi attire for the win! Something with long cuts to make me look taller. Sigh!

9. If you could befriend a famous personality (dead or alive) who would it be? 

Maya Angelou and KURT COBAIN!

10. Share one of your favorite quotes

“He who fights monsters might take care, lest he becomes a monster. And if you gaze longer into an abyss, an abyss also gazes into you.”  – Friedrich Nietzsche

Once again, thanks Hadia!

Finding the Middle Ground

One of the saddest and most troubling things in life is to realize that times have changed so much that you feel yourself to be out of place around people you once felt at ease with. I am not really sure if it’s the time that changes or a change within that gnaws at you. Unsure of how to fit in anymore, it seems only prudent to take refuge in solitude. Although I know it sounds pretty dramatic, the way I have put it; but I have felt over the course of few months, my growing indignant towards people in general. Perhaps I have become more susceptible to the “new and improved” ways of everyone. So much for trying to master the “indifference”!

I normally keep my thoughts and opinions to myself, mostly because I noticed that not only people feel the NEED to have an opinion about everything, they also feel that it is imperative to shove their opinions down everyone’s throat. Which, I for once, can not stand and hence I refrain from doing so lest I end up being “people” for someone else. Keeping quite or keeping your “right” views to yourself, out of courtesy is a thing of last century. If you do so, which I happen to be doing ever since I can remember (damn the polite ways my parents taught me), then you are seen as not so smart to have an opinion and to stretch it a bit, an imbecile as well. I am amazed how the standards for earning respect are poles apart from what they used to be. Unless you have a big mouth on you, which isn’t afraid of telling others off whenever you disagree with them; a brain which is incapable of trying to find a middle ground with someone; a curt or disagreeable personality that you are so proud of, chances of your earning “respect” are very low. Being polite, courteous and amicable hardly get you too far.

As far as one’s need to fit in is concerned, it is but a human instinct. One has a two way road ahead. Either you grow indifferent to the differences or you conform to the “standards”. You may try to find the middle ground, but that can only take you so far! The question is, what is more important to you? Getting ahead of many of them around you and “fit in” no matter what it takes, or not becoming a person that you despise and making peace with yourself?! I’d rather be a loner and not conform to the harsh and brash new ways. But unfortunately, we don’t always get what we wish for. We can’t really abandon whatever is inconvenient and live life on our own terms. Hence the struggle to find that dusty, hidden, daunting and unpleasant middle ground is always there. Life, after all is about finding that middle ground!

“The older I get, the more I see that there really aren’t huge zeniths of happiness or a huge abyss of darkness as much as there used to be. I tend to walk a middle ground. “

Paula Cole

Happy Birthday Emphadiate!

“Having a soul-mate isn’t always about love. You can find your soul-mate in friendship too.”

There’s this thing about stereotypes, they often make us forget the real meaning of certain words. I would say it’s safe to assume that’s the fate the term soul-mate had to face as well. The quote above shared is but a testament to that fact. Having a soul-mate is about finding that one person in your life whose pieces fit well with yours in every way possible. That person who makes you wonder how did you ever manage before they made it to your life. The one entity in your life you could rely upon, reach out to, be there for and know in your heart they feel the same for you! I believe it’s even 100 times better when that person is your friend because there is no bond better than that of a friendship.

I consider myself lucky cause I found my soul-mate in my friend, this woman, Hadia! She is a friend, a younger sister I never had, a companion, my muse, my knight in shining armor, my permanent shoulder on which I cry, my counselor, my shrink, and above all an inspiration! There is nothing in this world, and there is most definitely nothing in my life that I would feel uneasy talking to her about. She is the first person I turn to when I am happy, angry, sad, confused, frustrated, excited, scared and any other possible human emotion. When I’m scared, I know she’d make all the worries go away with her reassurances. Every time I am down in the pits, sulking, lacking any sort of positive vibes, I know Hadia will seize the day with her wise and kind words to enable me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far or feeble it may seem to me. I know my little achievements will mean not so little if I share with her because she makes sure that anything that makes me happy is worth celebrating and cherishing. I know if I doubt myself I just need to tell her, so she can tell me how she believes in me and restore my faith in myself.

I never knew what it felt like to fall in love with the words. This woman taught me how it’s done! She is nothing but a sheer inspiration. Her words, mere words, leave me awestruck, amazed and in envy. If words could be formed into a person, Hadia would definitely be the most beautiful person I’d ever laid my eyes upon! I am nowhere even close to she is; my words aren’t even worth for even trying to pay this accolade but I guess words are all I have!

Hadia, you are the most beautiful soul that I came across in my life til date. You are blessed with such passion which will take you places, Insha’Allah! You have this amazing ability to find beauty in the most obscure and derelict things around you. And this is what makes you precious and exceptional. Never give up on your dreams! They are your most prized possessions. Your dreams gave me the strength to have some of my own. Do not ever give up on them no matter what the circumstances are. The burning light within, of the passion for the beauty and words; the thirst for achieving great things that you are meant to (Insha’Allah), never let anyone extinguish that light or quench that thirst. May all your dreams, wishes and desires come true. May the world gets to see, read and know this amazing person that you are deep within. May you become the muse for many others through your words, like you became mine. Ameen!

As our futures are nothing but uncertainty, living one day at a time, I wish, hope and pray that I can be there when you turn your dreams into reality. You mean the world to me and I love you to the moon and back! Stay precious!

To sum it all up, this quote I stole off internet, which speaks volume about your place in my life:

“Imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your mixed-up soul”

A Poem

A friend wrote this beautiful, heart felt and amazing poem. Though I’d love that everyone know who’s the person behind such amazing piece but she wishes to remain anonymous. For now!

“It starts with crazy
velocity and fire,
A thing of beauty they say,
everyone desires.
The joy of belonging knows no bounds,
Pure happiness is all you see around.
Then slowly but surely the embrace grows old,
You doubt it, you pull back,
But there’s no use.
It fades and it fades,
Don’t fight it child.
It will end,
That is certain,
That can’t be denied.
It was, alas, never meant to be,
A thing of beauty, dear lord,
Why always me?”

 

Untitled, Yet Again!

She looked like a marbled statue, carefully carved with that look on her face that was worth a thousand words. As she read that one line text, her senses gave up on her. Like a perfect statue she stared down at those words that’ll probably haunt her for many a years to come. Unaware of her bearings, of the mist that trickled down her face and landed on those few words that toppled her. The calm on the surface was just the testimony of the storm that broke out inside her. The moment when she realized all this time, she’d been holding onto nothing but her illusion. The last straw, the thread she thought she clutched so tightly wasn’t the remains of the friendship (is she still allowed to use that term, she wondered) but it was the thin air and she was left with “what ifs” “could have beens” and every other ifs and buts of regret.

After what seemed like a hundred years, that figurine came back to life. She looked at those dozen words one last time to be done away with. One last glance, to let that sink in, to know in her heart that it’s time; to let go, to stop clutching at the nothingness, to move on and to never look back again! She didn’t erase those words as she knew the path she was about to take is not the easy one. For there are going to be times when she’ll waver, she’ll be knocked down on her knees. She will look at those words again to remind her why she chose this path in the first place. For all her regrets are going to remind her of what should never have been and what will never be. Never again! Never! For her regrets will guide her home, her regrets will take her where she’s destined to be. For her regret will make her wiser and better. For her regrets will remind her, that in the end, she’s not the loser but she won. She’s a survivor, that too a decorated one, and these scars and regrets are her medals that she wears proudly. For these scars remind her she’s been strong and she can be stronger!